Tuesday, August 30, 2011

First Day of School

Today was it, the first big day of school. Gracie did great or at least that's what I think---I haven't had any correspondance from her teacher today and she really doesn't have the skills to tell me much about her day, all I know is that she sang. In a couple of days the teacher will start sending daily notes home with what they did, she just wanted a couple of days to get into the swing of things before sending them.

(Wanted to show how big her bag is compare to Gracie)

Anyways, I woke up nervous and with a pit in my stomach. On the way home from dropping Jason off at work I had a little crying fest thinking that I wouldn't be able to do it, but I did!

We were ready and waiting outside for the bus early. We passed the time by blowing bubbles and running to the corner to see if the bus was coming. Morgan was so excited for Gracie! It is nice that she is such a wonderful big sister, it helps Gracie learn how to express appropriate emotions for different events.

(Morgan and Ryan waiting and playing with Gracie)

We climbed on the bus with Grace, chatted with the bus driver as the aide strapped Gracie into her seat. Said our goodbyes and off she went. I was good, I didn't follow the bus...but after 15 minutes I rushed to the school to see her get off the bus. By the time I got there, the kids were all off the bus standing at the front doors. The five other kids on the bus were all standing holding on to their little rings that were attached to the rope, but Gracie was standing walking all around trying to find a way into the school. They eventually started to walk to their classroom, they walked around to another door and cut through the school then walked across the back lot to the trailer where their class is. (yes I am concerned about all this walking wearing Gracie out before she even gets to school, I will be talking to the teacher about this, especially since Gracie was stumbling once they got to the back of the school and it was obvious she was tired.)

(Getting strapped in on the bus)

Morgan, Ryan and I ran errands and then rushed back to the school to see Gracie get on the bus to come home---this time I had my camera and managed to snap one pic of her from the car. I was pleased to see that her teacher was caring her and I was able to overhear the teacher ask the bus drivers if they would be able to pull in closer to the trailer, though there doesn't seem to be enough room for the buses, at least the teacher seems aware of the distance (wish the school district would have thought before placing the special ed preschool in a trailer all the way behind the school!)

(The pic from the car)

When Gracie got off the bus, she seemed happy to be home. The moment she got off the bus she begged for water to drink and a sandwich (of which she only ate a bite). She refused to nap, but was exhausted all day long. I'm sure she will be tired as she continues to adjust to the new schedule and routine, but she seems to enjoy it so far and wants to go back tomorrow.

So happy we both survived our first day at preschool!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Freaking out

This afternoon Jason and I took Gracie to her first ever preschool open house. She was excited to meet her teacher and me, I was and still am freaking out. Gracie will get on the bus at 9:05am and ride for about 20 minutes before getting to school.

I know that this will be a great experience for her and she is going to love it, but I just can't stop worrying. Will they be able to care for her the way that she is accostumed to? Will she feel alone or included? Will she be able to trust the teacher she only met for 10 minutes? And my list of questions goes on and on.

This is such a hard experience. I was telling Jason, that I don't know if I could handle this and he couldn't quite understand where I was coming from. In his mind I should be able to let her go, enjoy some time with Morgan and Ryan, and just relax. But to me it isn't that simple.

Though I do have three children who I love and care for so so much. Gracie is unique in that she has depended soley on me to be her advocate, her teacher, her protector, her nurse, her friend. Other than being in the hospital to have Ryan, Gracie and I have always been together. It's like my identity is wrapped up in Gracie and all that I do to ensure that she is taken care of and has the best quality of life. With her attending school for 3 hours a day, four times a week, by herself without me, I feel lost and like I will be missing a huge part of me for that time. Does that sound weird and psychotic? Its not suppose to, its just hard that I won't be included in this aspect of her care as much as I want to be....

I just needed to get this out there, maybe there are some other mamas out there that feel the same way about their special needs kiddo.

I know we will get through this and in a couple weeks we both will be in love with Gracie attending school, but for now this is a step that I will approach with much hesitation and concern for my baby. I just don't want her to not be ok