Monday, August 29, 2011

Freaking out

This afternoon Jason and I took Gracie to her first ever preschool open house. She was excited to meet her teacher and me, I was and still am freaking out. Gracie will get on the bus at 9:05am and ride for about 20 minutes before getting to school.

I know that this will be a great experience for her and she is going to love it, but I just can't stop worrying. Will they be able to care for her the way that she is accostumed to? Will she feel alone or included? Will she be able to trust the teacher she only met for 10 minutes? And my list of questions goes on and on.

This is such a hard experience. I was telling Jason, that I don't know if I could handle this and he couldn't quite understand where I was coming from. In his mind I should be able to let her go, enjoy some time with Morgan and Ryan, and just relax. But to me it isn't that simple.

Though I do have three children who I love and care for so so much. Gracie is unique in that she has depended soley on me to be her advocate, her teacher, her protector, her nurse, her friend. Other than being in the hospital to have Ryan, Gracie and I have always been together. It's like my identity is wrapped up in Gracie and all that I do to ensure that she is taken care of and has the best quality of life. With her attending school for 3 hours a day, four times a week, by herself without me, I feel lost and like I will be missing a huge part of me for that time. Does that sound weird and psychotic? Its not suppose to, its just hard that I won't be included in this aspect of her care as much as I want to be....

I just needed to get this out there, maybe there are some other mamas out there that feel the same way about their special needs kiddo.

I know we will get through this and in a couple weeks we both will be in love with Gracie attending school, but for now this is a step that I will approach with much hesitation and concern for my baby. I just don't want her to not be ok


Connor my little frog said...

Right there with you with my work I have to be gone all night sometimes and I don't see it has a break I worry all night if he has what he needs or if they are paying attention to his breathing etc . I went back to work a year ago and I'm still worrying as much as before. I totally understand what you feel they are so much apart of us that being apart feels wrong
Sending my love and prayers for peace for the few hours your apart
Heart hugs

Megan said...

I totally understand Deanna. I still haven't transitioned Evan to the bus yet. And I'm just as worried as he starts his second year of preschool with a new teacher I don't know and that he doesn't know and...I need to calm down I suppose because Evan will be fine...but me, we'll see. I don't completely understand how you're feeling in that I haven't had to deal with as many things as you and Gracie have and so often times I do feel a bit of a rest when Evan goes to school. School will be good and if its not, you still get to be her advocate in making sure she's getting what she needs. You're still mama.

cici said...

You have a right to feel that way. You are her Mom. Noone cares about her like her Mom does, noone understands her, like her Mom does and noone can comfort her like her Mom does.
I was most concerned about ~GERMS~ icky gooey germs that plague
little ones. Parents that send their
children to school sick should be tarred and feathered.
As Moms we are all there with you...FREAKING OUT!

The Simmons Family said...

I feel the exact same way..that is why Owen is still home. Ha. You are braver than I am! I have mentioned the idea of taking him and staying to help out..but I don't think I could leave. Grace wll be fine. Perhaps you can drive her the first week until you are both a little more used to it?!

Brad and Hailey said...

Oh Deanna I am so sorry. I have some similar worries and I've got another year until we need to do it! It's a scary thing putting your child into someone else's hands ... I just have to pray, pray, pray and have faith. We'll pray for you guys!